CHAPTER 4 EXPRESSING FEELINGS

I’ve come to discover that, in life, for every situation that you may find yourself in, there are basically two ways to handle it – the right way… and the wrong way.

Take the other day for example. It was one of those days where absolutely everything seemed to go wrong from the minute I opened my eyes in the morning till the second I eventually fell asleep at night. The only consolation of my eventual demise will be the fact that I’ll never have to deal with days like that again.

I won’t go into the nasty details, but by six o’clock I was stomping around with a look of black thunder on my face and killer daggers shooting out of my eyes at every innocent passerby – man, woman or child – who had the audacity to be in the same hundred-mile radius as me. And then, at exactly four minutes past six, somebody made the huge mistake of asking me how I was feeling.

What they actually said was – “What the hell is your problem?”

This is the wrong way.

All the pent-up frustration of the day came bursting forth onto the shoulders of this one person. My reply cannot be printed here without severely offending anyone of a delicate disposition. Suffice to say that it lasted twenty-three minutes, contained more body parts than Grey’s Anatomy (the book and the TV series), and tackled the issue of the person in question’s family tree all the way back to Adam and Eve. And 95% of what I actually said was physically, scientifically or chronologically impossible.

This, you may have gathered, is also the wrong way.

Here, then, is the right way…

Asking about Feelings

Are you (feeling) alright / angry / upset / pleased / OK…?

Is everything alright?

What’s wrong?

What’s the matter?

Do you want to talk about it?

Expressing Feelings

Well, it’s been a ________ day.

Actually,… / The thing is…

To be honest… I feel / ‘ve been in a good / bad / etc mood all day…

I’m sad / angry / glad about…

Thanks for asking, but I really don’t want to talk about it right now…

And just one last thing… if the person you’re about to approach has red eyes and is breathing fire while chewing on broken glass, it is safe to assume that, no, they don’t want to talk about it. In the name of self-preservation, wait till a later date to ‘be there’.

– Expressing and Feelings
Summary

amazed *	delighted	lucky	relieve
afraid	disappointed *	likely	Sad
anxious	determined	motivated	Shocked
ashamed	eager	pleased	Stunned
astonished *	fortunate	prepared	Surprised
careful	glad	proud	Sorry
certain	happy	ready	Upset
content	hesitant	reluctant	willing

–

STATEMENT + MODIFYING CLAUSE	BE + ADJECTIVE + INFINITIVE
After adjectives expressing emotion, you can use a that-cause…	or you can use an infinitive.
We are happy that we are hearing the news.	We are happy to hear the news.
We were pleased that we received the letter.	We were pleased to receive the letter.
They were sad when they heard about his death.
They were excited when they heard about the birth of her baby.

A. EXPRESSING REGRETS AND APOLOGIES

 

“I’d rather be sorry for something I did than for something I didn’t do.” – Kris Kristofferson.

English people often apologise. But sometimes they say sorry when they are not apologising, and sometimes when they apologise they are not sorry. They may also offer an apology to start an argument, or apologise without saying so.

Sorry.

To be Sorry does not mean to apologise. Instead it expresses regret. That is, when something has happened, and you would be happier if it had not happened, you can say I’m sorry.

For example:
“Do that again and you will be sorry.”.
“I’m sorry you didn’t pass your exam. Better luck next time.”

In the examples above, the idea expressed is of regret, but not of apology.

Another way of expressing regret without really apologising is to use I’m afraid. In this sense, it is almost the same as I am sorry to say.

For example:
“I’m afraid I can’t let you in – the play has started.”
“I’m sorry to say that you can’t come in – the play has started.”
“I’m sorry to say I can’t come.”
“I’m afraid I can’t come.”

Apologies.

In apologies, the speaker admits responsibility.
Sorry is used in apologies when the speaker knows he has done the wrong thing.

For example:

“I am sorry that I was late”.
“I am sorry that I was so rude”.

This is an apology because the speaker is saying that he did something he should not have done, and now he feels unhappy about it. There are other ways to do this.

For example:

“I shouldn’t have done what I did yesterday.” (admitting a fault)
“I’m really angry with myself for what I did.” (showing regret)

Apologies can be informal:

For example:

I’m really sorry about this.
Look, I know I was wrong. It’s my fault I can’t apologise enough for forgetting the tickets.

Or formal.

For example:

“We regret to announce the late departure of the London train”.
“Miss Otis regrets that she is unable to lunch today.”

The noun “apology” or the verb “apologise” (or “apologize”) is often used in formal apologies. You may often find adjectives stressing how apologetic the speaker is. (Though these are not always convincing!)

For example:

“Mr Jones sends his deepest apologies for not attending the meeting”.
“We apologise for the delay in answering your call.”
“Please accept our most sincere apologies for this error.”

Things to say with apologies.

Apologies are often followed by excuses. An excuse is something which the speaker hopes will calm the person he is apologising to.

For example:

“I was so hungry I ate the rest of the cake. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry about my homework, teacher, the dog ate it.”

With apologies you can say directly that you did not intend to upset someone.

For example:

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry.”(Informal.)
“We deeply regret any inconvenience, as this was not our intention.”(Formal)

Sometimes a question is used to show that the fault was unintentional.

For example:

“Oh, am I late? I’m sorry.”
“Is this your seat? Oh, I do apologise.”
“Did I tread on your foot? I’m sorry. Are you all right?”

An exclamation can be used for the same purpose.

For example:
“Oops! I did it again.”
“Oh dear! I’m so sorry. Did I hurt you?”
“Oh no! I do apologise. Let me help you pick it up.”

You can also put in extra words to sound more sorry.

For example:
“I’m sorry”
“I’m very sorry.”
“I’m really very sorry.”
“I’m really so very sorry.”

Excuse me

Sorry is used after something has happened. Excuse me is used if an action might upset someone else. (In US English excuse me is also used to say sorry.) The only extra word to make excuse me stronger is please.

For example:
“Excuse me, can I come past?” 
“Excuse me please, could you move your car?”
“That was a bit rude” – “Oh, excuse me.”

Please excuse … is a more formal way of apologising for something that is happening at this moment. The informal construction is (I’m) sorry about …

For example:
“Please excuse the mess in the office.” 
“I’m sorry about the noise – my brother is at home.”

Not really apologizing.

English apologies can be aggressive, and are sometimes used to start an arguement. Here the apology is followed with but.

For example:
“I’m sorry, but I was here before you.”
“Excuse me, but you are talking rubbish.”
I’m sorry, but you are standing on my foot.

Apologies can also be used to say no

For example:
“I’m afraid that’s impossible.”
“I’m sorry, but you can’t come in here.”

We also apologise if we can’t hear or understand someone. I beg your pardon (or just pardon), were forms of apology in the past, but now are polite ways of saying what?

For example:
“It’s noisy in here” – “Eh? Sorry?”
“I’m diffgidi ddjja” – “Er … I beg your pardon?”

But remember that if an English person is very offended by what you have said, that person will pretend not to have understood you. (The tone of voice is very important here.)

For example:
“Who is that fat woman?”
“I beg your pardon? Do you mean my mother?”
(This is the moment to practise some of the apologies you have been studying!)

Apologies are also when you give bad news.

For example:
“I’m afraid your team lost.”
“I’m sorry, there was nothing we could do.”
“Your car needs expensive repairs. I’m sorry.”

B.EXPRESSING SYMPATYH

Sometimes bad things happen. When we hear about bad things that happen to other people it’s a good idea to express sympathy. This can be difficult as we want to express our concern, but don’t want to be intrusive. Here are some common phrase to help you express sympathy.

I’m sorry to hear about …
Please accept my condolences. (used when someone close to another has died)
That’s so sad.
I hope things get better soon.
I hope you feel better soon.

Example Dialogues

Person 1: I’ve been rather sick lately.
Person 2: I hope you feel better soon.

Person 1: Tim has been having a lot of troubles lately. I think he might be getting a divorce.
Person 2: I’m sorry to hear about Tim’s problems. I hoe things get better for him soon.

It’s also common to express sympathy in writing. Here are some common phrases you can use when writing a sympathy note to someone. Notice that is common to use the plural ‘we’ and ‘our’ when expressing written sympathy as a way to express that a family

My heartfelt condolences on your loss.
Our thoughts are with you.
She/he was a lot of things to many people and will be missed tremendously.
Thinking of you in your time of loss.
We are very saddened to hear of your loss. With deepest sympathies.
You have my sincere sympathy.
You have our deepest sympathy.
Expressing sympathy…

So your best friend just lost her teenage son in a car wreck… What a tragedy! You are just devastated and so saddened by the news.But, Geez! What do you say to your friend? How can you possibly help or lessen her pain for her? Well, you can’t, but there are things you can say or do to provide genuine support for a fellow human in need.

And there are some things you should never say to a bereaved person.

So what is the best way to express sympathy when a friend or loved one has suffered a tragic loss? What should you say to them? How best to lend support or offer to help?

Many bereaved people have reported that certain things said or done by those offering sympathy had a great impact on them… either positive or negative. We present in this section a guide to help you out with one of life’s most difficult challenges… expressing sympathy.

Read on for some useful guidelines:

·         How you can help (below)

·         what to say in person

·         How to write a comforting sympathy latter

·         Send one of our beautifully unique sympathy cards

·         Our special sympathy gift collection

Making and Responding to Requests

Sample phrases (from formal to informal)

A: Could I trouble/bother you to lend me $200?
B: (positive) Of course, it’s no problem/trouble (at all).
B: (negative) It’s impossible for me because I’ve only got $150.

A: Could you please take me to the airport tomorrow morning?
B: (positive) Certainly.
B: (negative) I wish I could, but I’ve got an appointment at 8:30.

A: Will you help me fix this error, please?
B: (positive) Sure. I’ll be glad to.
B: (negative) I’m afraid I can’t. I don’t know anything about computers.

A: Would you mind letting me borrow your book?
B: (positive) No, not at all.
B: (negative) I’m sorry, but I need it for next week’s exam.

A: I’d like you to pick up some oil on the way home, if you have time.
B: (positive) No problem.
B: (negative) I can’t do that because I won’t be back until 11:00.

A: How/What about cleaning your room today?
B: (positive) No sweat.
B: (negative) Sorry. I’m going out with Lucy.

Making offers

English speakers make offers all the time in conversation.They say things like:
Can I… ?
Shall I… ?
Would you like me to… ?

Using these common English phrases – and being able to accept and reject offers – will make you sound polite and helpful.

“Can I help you?”

“Shall I open the window for you?”

“Would you like another coffee?”

“Would you like me to answer the phone?”

“I’ll do the photocopying, if you like.”

Shall, can and will are followed by the verb without to.

Shall is more formal than can. Would you like… is followed either by a noun, or by the verb with to.

Responding to offers

These English dialogues show you ways to accept or reject offers made to you.

“Can I help you?”
“Yes please. I’d like to know what time the train leaves.”

“Can I help you?”
“No thanks, I’m just looking.” (In a shop.)

“Shall I open the window for you?”
“Yes please. That would be very kind of you.”

“Would you like another coffee?”
“No thanks.” Or, “No thank you.”

“Would you like another coffee?”
“Yes please, that would be lovely.” Or, “Yes please, I’d love one.”

“Would you like me to answer the phone?”
“If you wouldn’t mind.” Or, “If you could.”
(Don’t answer “Yes, I would”, as this sounds like you expect someone to do it for you.)

“I’ll do the photocopying, if you like.”
“It’s OK, I can do it.” Or, “Don’t worry, I’ll do it.

“Or, “Thank you, that would be great.”

Modals

1) can

Use	Examples
ability to do sth. in the present (substitute form: to be able to)	I can speak English.
permission to do sth. in the present (substitute form: to be allowed to)	Can I go to the cinema?
request	Can you wait a moment, please?
offer	I can lend you my car till tomorrow.
suggestion	Can we visit Grandma at the weekend?
possibility	It can get very hot in Arizona.

2) could

Use	Examples
ability to do sth. in the past (substitute form: to be able to)	I could speak English.
permission to do sth. in the past (substitute form: to be allowed to)	I could go to the cinema.
polite question *	Could I go to the cinema, please?
polite request *	Could you wait a moment, please?
polite offer *	I could lend you my car till tomorrow.
polite suggestion *	Could we visit Grandma at the weekend?
possibility *	It could get very hot in Montana.

3) may

Use	Examples
possibility	It may rain today.
permission to do sth. in the present (substitute form: to be allowed to)	May I go to the cinema?
polite suggestion	May I help you?

4) might

Use	Examples
possibility (less possible than may) *	It might rain today.
hesitant offer *	Might I help you?

5) must

Use	Examples
force, necessity	I must go to the supermarket today.
possibility	You must be tired.
advice, recommendation	You must see the new film with Brad Pitt.

6) must not/may not

Use	Examples
prohibition	You mustn’t work on dad’s computer. You may not work on dad’s computer.

7) need not

Use	Examples
not necessary	I needn’t go to the supermarket, we’re going to the restaurant tonight.

8) ought to

Use	Examples
advice	You ought to drive carefully in bad weather.
obligation	You ought to switch off the light when you leave the room.

9) shall

instead of will in the 1st person

Use	Examples
suggestion	Shall I carry your bag?

10) should

Use	Examples
advice	You should drive carefully in bad weather.
obligation	You should switch off the light when you leave the room.

11) will

Use	Examples
wish, request, demand, order (less polite than would)	Will you please shut the door?
prediction, assumption	I think it will rain on Friday.
promise	I will stop smoking.
spontaneous decision	Can somebody drive me to the station? – I will.
habits	She’s strange, she’ll sit for hours without talking.

12) would

Use	Examples
wish, request (more polite than will)	Would you shut the door, please?
habits in the past	Sometimes he would bring me some flowers.

* no past forms – future forms

Subject And Verb Agreement

The subject and verb must agree in number: both must be singular, or both must be plural. Problems occur in the present tense because one must add an -s or -es at the end of the verb when the subjects or the entity performing the action is a singular third person: he, she, it, or words for which these pronouns could substitute.

Notice the difference between singular and plural forms in the following examples:

Singular	Plural
The student sings. (He or she sings)	Your children sing. (They sing)
The bird does migrate. (It does)	Those birds do migrate. (They do)

In order to find out if your subject and verb agree, you need to be able to identify the subject of your sentence. Here are some helpful hints that will help you to decipher where your subject is and where it is not.

---

Where is my subject?

Most likely, your verb will agree with the first noun to the left of the verb:

The Supreme Court judge decides the appropriate penalty.
Subject: judge	Verb: decides

The committee members were satisfied with the resolution.
Subject: members	Verb: were

Occasionally, a sentence has the subject after the verb instead of before it. This strategy is often used for poetic effect.

Over the ripples glides a small canoe.
Subject: a small canoe	Verb: glides

There was a well-known writer at the meeting.
Subject: a well-known writer	Verb: was

You will not find the subject in a modifying phrase (MP), a phrase that starts with a preposition, a gerund, or a relative pronoun and that modifies the meaning of the noun or subject under discussion.

The group of students is going on a field trip.
Subject: the group	MP: of students	Verb: is

The survey covering seven colleges reveals a growth in enrollment.
Subject: the survey	MP: covering seven colleges	Verb: reveals

The speaker whom you saw at the lecture is one of the state senators from Minnesota.
Subject: the speaker	MP: whom you saw at the lecture	Verb: is

If subjects are joined by and, they are considered plural.

The quarterback and the coach are having a conference.
Subject: the quarterback and the coach	Verb: are having

If subjects are joined by or or nor, the verb should agree with the closer subject.

Either the actors or the director is at fault.
Subjects: actors, director	Verb: is

Either the director or the actors are at fault.
Subjects: director, actors	Verb: are

The relative pronouns (who, whom, which, and that) are either singular or plural, depending on the words they refer to.

The sales manager is a good researcher who spends a great amount of time surfing the Web for information.
Subject: the sales manager	Verbs: is, spends

Sales managers are good researchers who spend a great amount of time surfing the Web for information.
Subject: sales managers	Verbs: are, spend

Indefinite pronouns (someone, somebody, each, either one, everyone, or anyone) are considered singular and need singular verbs although they convey plural meaning.

Anyone who wants to pursue higher education has to pass entrance exams.
Subject: anyone	Verbs: wants, has

Everyone on the committee is welcome to express his/her ideas.
Subject: everyone	Verb: is

A few nouns can be either plural or singular, depending on whether they mean a group or separate individuals. These words are rarely used as plurals in modern writing.

The jury is sequestered.
Subject: jury	Verb: is

The jury are having an argument.
Subject: jury	Verb: are having

A few subjects look plural but are really singular or vice versa.

The news of the discovery is spreading.
Subject: news	Verb: is

The mass media have publicized the facts.
Subject: mass media	Verb: have publicized

The data amaze everyone.
Subject: data	Verb: amaze

The Linking Verb

Recognize a linking verb when you see one.

Linking verbs do not express action. Instead, they connect the subject of the verb to additional information about the subject. Look at the examples below:

Keila is a shopaholic.

Ising isn’t something that Keila can do. Is connects the subject, Keila, to additional information about her, that she will soon have a huge credit card bill to pay.

During the afternoon, my cats are content to nap on the couch.

Areing isn’t something that cats can do. Are is connecting the subject, cats, to something said about them, that they enjoy sleeping on the furniture.

After drinking the old milk, Vladimir turned green.

Turned connects the subject, Vladimir, to something said about him, that he was needing an antacid.

A ten-item quiz seems impossibly long after a night of no studying.

Seems connects the subject, a ten-item quiz, with something said about it, that its difficulty depends on preparation, not length.

Irene always feels sleepy after pigging out on pizza from Antonio’s.

Feels connects the subject, Irene, to her state of being, sleepiness.
The following verbs are true linking verbs: any form of the verb be [am, is, are, was, were, has been, are being, might have been, etc.], become, and seem. These true linking verbs arealways linking verbs.
Then you have a list of verbs with multiple personalities: appear, feel, grow, look, prove,remain, smell, sound, taste, and turn. Sometimes these verbs are linking verbs; sometimes they are action verbs.
How do you tell when they are action verbs and when they are linking verbs?
If you can substitute am, is, or are and the sentence still sounds logical, you have a linking verb on your hands.
If, after the substitution, the sentence makes no sense, you are dealing with an action verb instead. Here are some examples:

Sylvia tasted the spicy squid eyeball stew.

Sylvia is the stew? I don’t think so! Tasted, therefore, is an action verb in this sentence, something Sylvia is doing.

The squid eyeball stew tasted good.

The stew is good? You bet. Make your own!

I smell the delicious aroma of a mushroom and papaya pizza baking in the oven.

I am the aroma? No way! Smell, in this sentence, is an action verb, something I amdoing.

The mushroom and papaya pizza smells heavenly.

The pizza is heavenly? Definitely! Try a slice!

When my dog Oreo felt the wet grass beneath her paws, she bolted up the stairs and curled up on the couch.

Oreo is the wet grass? Of course not! Here, then, felt is an action verb, something Oreo is doing.

My dog Oreo feels depressed after seven straight days of rain.

Oreo is depressed? Without a doubt! Oreo hates the wet.
This substitution will not work for appear. With appear, you have to analyze the function of the verb.

Swooping out of the clear blue sky, the blue jay appeared on the branch.

Appear is something a blue jay can do—especially when food is near.

The blue jay appeared happy to see the bird feeder.

Here, appeared is connecting the subject, the blue jay, to its state of mind, happiness.

Adjectives And Adverbs

Definitions:

Adjectives are words that describe nouns or pronouns. They may come before the word they describe (That is a cute puppy.) or they may follow the word they describe (That puppy is cute.).

Adverbs are words that modify everything but nouns and pronouns. They modify adjectives, verbs, and other adverbs. A word is an adverb if it answers how, when, or where.

The only adverbs that cause grammatical problems are those that answer the question how, so focus on these.

Rule 1

Generally, if a word answers the question how, it is an adverb. If it can have an -ly added to it, place it there.

Examples:
She thinks slow/slowly.
She thinks how? slowly.
She is a slow/slowly thinker.
Slow does not answer how, so no -ly is attached. Slow is an adjective here.
She thinks fast/fastly.
Fast answers the question how, so it is an adverb. But fast never has an -ly attached to it.
We performed bad/badly.
Badly describes how we performed.

Rule 2

A special -ly rule applies when four of the senses – taste, smell, look, feel – are the verbs. Do not ask if these senses answer the question how to determine if -ly should be attached. Instead, ask if the sense verb is being used actively. If so, use the -ly.

Examples:
Roses smell sweet/sweetly.
Do the roses actively smell with noses? No, so no -ly.
The woman looked angry/angrily.
Did the woman actively look with eyes or are we describing her appearance? We are only describing appearance, so no -ly.
The woman looked angry/angrily at the paint splotches.
Here the woman did actively look with eyes, so the -ly is added.
She feels bad/badly about the news.
She is not feeling with fingers, so no -ly.

Good vs. Well

Rule 3

The word good is an adjective, while well is an adverb.

Examples:
You did a good job.
Good describes the job.
You did the job well.
Well answers how.
You smell good today.
Describes your odor, not how you smell with your nose, so follow with the adjective. You smell well for someone with a cold.
You are actively smelling with a nose here, so follow with the adverb.

Rule 4

When referring to health, use well rather than good.

Example:
I do not feel well. You do not look well today.

Note: You may use good with feel when you are not referring to health.

Example:
I feel good about my decision to learn Spanish.

Rule 5

A common error in using adjectives and adverbs arises from using the wrong form for comparison. For instance, to describe one thing we would say poor, as in, “She is poor.” To compare two things, we should say poorer, as in, “She is the poorer of the two women.” To compare more than two things, we should say poorest, as in, “She is the poorest of them all.”

Examples:

One	Two	Three or More
sweet	sweeter	sweetest
bad	worse	worst
efficient*	more efficient*	most efficient*
*Usually with words of three or more syllables, don’t add -er or -est. Use more or most in front of the words.

Rule 6

Never drop the -ly from an adverb when using the comparison form.

Correct:
She spoke quickly.
She spoke more quickly than he did.

Incorrect:
She spoke quicker than he did.

Correct:
Talk quietly.
Talk more quietly.

Incorrect:
Talk quieter.

Rule 7

When this, that, these, and those are followed by nouns, they are adjectives. When they appear without a noun following them, they are pronouns.

Examples:
This house is for sale.
This is an adjective here.
This is for sale.
This is a pronoun here.

Rule 8

This and that are singular, whether they are being used as adjectives or as pronouns. Thispoints to something nearby while that points to something “over there.”

Examples:

This dog is mine.
That dog is hers.
This is mine.
That is hers.

Rule 9

These and those are plural, whether they are being used as adjectives or as pronouns.These points to something nearby while those points to something “over there.”

Examples:
These babies have been smiling for a long time.
These are mine. Those babies have been crying for hours. Those are yours.

Rule 10

Use than to show comparison. Use then to answer the question when.

Examples:
I would rather go skiing than rock climbing.
First we went skiing; then we went rock climbing.

Adjective –ing vs –ed

            In order not to be confused in catching the underlying meaning of adjectives derived from the present participle (verb-ing) and past participle (verb-3 ending with –ed) study the following guideline:

            If someone or something is –ing it make us –ed

·         Ben is amused because the cartoon is amusing.

·         The cartoon is amusing so Ben is Amused. (not Ben is Amusing)